It has been a while since I’ve posted and for that, I apologize. Let me give you an abridged version of what has happened in the past few months:
- I met someone. She is Christian and Republican (although she likes to say that she’s moderate), so we’re obviously soul mates.
- My parents now know that their daughter is a “lesbian” (we have not yet been able to have the whole bisexual/ “I fell for the person, not the gender” conversation).
- My parents were not happy.
- My parents will always love me and they will always support me. But – they cannot support this “sin” and they cannot support this lifestyle.
- I had to grow up a lot faster than I had planned.
Saying that I have a lot of feelings at the moment may be the understatement of the century.
Now, I realize that this is not an incredibly new story. There are millions who have gone through the same thing. It’s easy to sympathize with someone’s story – for the first ten minutes after you heard it. But until it happens to you (long before you ever expected it to), you’ll never fully understand all the emotions that will accompany this turning point in your life. At least, I didn’t.
There is a sense of relief – everything is finally out in the open and you don’t have to hide anymore. But there is also a lot of pain and heartache. It hurts to watch your parents cry and pray over you – asking God to “fix” you and bring you back into the fold. There is guilt – you’ve broken their hearts. There is fear – they’re afraid for you, they fear that you have lost your relationship with God, they fear God’s wrath on you, they fear that you have been blinded by the world and have turned your back on all that is holy. You fear that you may lose your family. There is anger. They are angry because you have chosen your “sin” over God and them. You’re angry because you want them to accept you for who you are, because you want to tell them that you love them without them correcting you and responding with “No, you don’t.”
But most of all, there is love. Love for those who accept you, love for those who don’t. Love for those who want you to be yourself, love for those who are worried about your eternal soul. Love for the ones who bought you a drink because they knew you needed it. Love for those on both sides who are lifting your name in prayer. Love for a God who is always there, even when they may not think He is.
I honestly don’t know what I hope to accomplish with this post. If there is a hidden political or spiritual agenda within it, I haven’t found it yet. Perhaps I just needed to get some things off of my chest. I don’t know.
I do know that I’m not alone. And if there is anyone out there who is struggling with this, or knows someone who is, you’re not either.
Life is hard and it will probably get harder. But it’s also a beautiful, beautiful thing. Having the ability to love and to feel all of those different emotions at the same time is beautiful in itself. Be strong and of a good courage and remember –
This too shall pass.