When I first considered starting a blog, I was determined that IF I had one, I would absolutely NOT allow it to turn into a pity party. After all, I’m not one of those girls who has no other outlet and is desperately trying to get someone’s attention. I have friends. Lots of them. Besides, in the overall scheme of life, it could be much worse. There have been times that I have been “broke”, but I have never went hungry. Yes, I guess I’m technically “homeless” at the moment, but I’ve never spent a night without air conditioning or a roof over my head. There have been times that I have felt completely alone, but I have always had a wonderful friend group and Savior to lean on.
So, what the hell do I have to complain about and why the hell am I doing it on here?
It’s not fair.
Sometimes, it’s frustrating. Sometimes, it’s heartbreaking. Sometimes, your parents may tell you that your sin will never be welcome in their home. Sometimes, they may ask you to explain why you don’t think homosexuality is a sin. Sometimes, you’ll be so emotional that you won’t know how to answer them. Sometimes, one of your siblings may block you from every form of social media and lovingly inform you that “being gay isn’t a choice – don’t give me that shit”. Sometimes, you have to “come out”. And in some cases, you may have to come out more than once. Sometimes, coming out as “gay” isn’t quite as hard as telling your family that you have a girlfriend – because that somehow makes it more real and harder for them to ignore. Sometimes, you’ll sit on the sidewalk at Pride (of all places) and cry (this happened while sober, by the way) with your girlfriend because you both know that – given the choice, neither of you would have “chosen” to be gay. Sometimes, you cry because you wonder if you’re just trying to convince yourself that you’re not wrong. Sometimes, you pray and beg God to take away that damn free will. Sometimes, you get mad at God for making you gay. Sometimes, you are absolutely terrified that in all of the craziness – you’re going to lose that someone who means the world to you. And sometimes, you wonder if there are any heterosexual couples who have to go through this. But all the time – you know this isn’t fair.
A while back, I wrote a blog titled A Coming Out and ended it with the words “This too shall pass”. I still believe that. But sometimes, it’s easy to wonder why it’s taking so long.
Life isn’t fair. We all know that. Good things happen to bad people. Bad things happen to good people. People we love will pass away. People we love will break our hearts. A campaign that you poured your heart and soul into will lose (RIP – Romney 2012). But when you take a step back and look at it, isn’t that what makes is so wonderful?
We appreciate time because we realize that one day it will run out. We appreciate love because of its rare and often fleeting embrace. We appreciate “the one” because we remember the ones who broke our hearts. We appreciate winning because we know how it feels to lose. We appreciate the good because it’s not the bad.
It’s not fair.
My relationship with my significant other is stronger because we’ve had to navigate the perils and heartbreak of “coming out” to our families. My friendships have grown deeper and sweeter as I’ve realized who will actually be there for me in the end. Facing a church that isn’t “gay friendly” has encouraged me to pursue my own personal walk with Christ and has forced me to find peace in Him rather than a denomination. Facing a political party that isn’t “gay friendly” has given me the courage to stand up for what I believe in and the passion to make a difference. Facing a world that isn’t “fair” has given me a hungry desire to change it.
It isn’t fair. But maybe it’s the “unfairness” of it all that makes this life so imperfectly perfect.